As I put my feet up on the arm of the couch I was thinking about when it was that I last hurt this bad. I remembered it was last year about this time when training for my first half marathon. I remember feeling ridiculously awesome and powerful inside but shattered and broken on the outside. My legs and back hurt me so much after a long run that my husband kept on yelling at me to stop whining because running was supposed to be something that I loved.
Yes yes I do love running. Yes yes I do love being pregnant. I am so lucky to be able to do both. Last year and now I am in a position that many women would kill for. For some women running a half marathon (and then another one 2 weeks later which brings up my stupidity when it comes to over doing it) seems like a dream just as much as for some women having a baby can be. I am so blessed to be able to do both.
But instead of feeling blessed, I lay on my couch wanting to curl up into a ball if I could get into that position and just sleep the next 21 weeks away. I wonder to myself how did you even do a half marathon? how did you give birth to 4 children with two of them being without pain medication. How could you do this to yourself again? Don’t you know better by now?
Then my mind drifts away and I think about my 5 mile loop. I think about feeling the warm sunshine on my back, the power of my legs, and how strong I really am. I daydream about how I’m hoping this birth goes. I think about sitting on the birthing ball and knowing when I’m ready to push even when the OB doesn’t believe me. I think about how both times I felt like I was dying but I was strong and triumphant at the end.
I think I have accepted that just because I don’t feel strong now doesn’t mean that I’m not. Just because I have run 13.1 miles and giving birth to 4 babies doesn’t mean I can’t do either one again. I just need to accept myself and my state of owie for the time being. I need to heal (thank you LB for making me so sick that I haven’t been able to run as much as I’d like and giving my PF the chance to heal!) so that I can move on to the next goal. I need to baby myself as I would tell anyone else to do.
Then I have to remember that 10k training starts in 3 weeks so I’d better enjoy the rest while I can.
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